Don’t try this at home

I guess I’m sad out of jealousy. Jealousy that to me, it seems like everyone has a best friend, a lover, and a high school to remember, to look back on. I have nothing. I have been to four high schools in three years and I have nothing.

I look back on everything and I have done and I just want to beat myself up for it all. I want to be standing ‘cross from another me and just hit her as hard as I can, get her down on the ground and punch her face in. It was never that pretty anyway. 

It’s my senior year, my fucking senior year, and I don’t even notice. I go to work, I never sleep, and my heart is always broken. I pity myself, I blame myself. I feel as if my mistakes are going to follow me forever and that no one really gets it.

My best friend lives forever away and she’s replaced me. I HAVE NO ONE. I don’t talk to a whole bunch of kids anymore just cos I don’t care enough. I crave human bonds, but everyone lets me down and I am so sick of being stepped on. I crave love and friendship, but fear them more.

I want college, I want new. I hate my now. I hate this town. I hate these stupid, ignorant people in their fancy cars with perfect lives. But mostly, I hate myself for letting this all happen. I hate that I can’t trust, that I can’t love. I hate that I got sick years ago and became this closed off to the real world. I hate that I always run away from everything instead of trying to stick around to see if things improve.

But mostly, I hate hate hate my eating disorder. I hate how I feel that it’ll never be totally out of my life. I hate that I have these horrible days where I can’t get out of bed because I’m “too fat’. I hate that I can’t just EAT, JUST EAT, eat whatever I want, whenever I want without having to be concerned about how much my stomach will grow. I hate how it feels like nobody gets it. Like nobody understands that I am always going to be sick in some way, and that one bad day does not equal a relapse.

I need a good cry and a good friend and a stable life. I want to find that in the people I already love, but I just don’t know how to trust anyone anymore and I feel so broken because of it. 

Sometimes I get so angry at my situation that I want to scream as loud as I can and run forever until I reach a place that looks tranquil enough that maybe it will actually settle my frantic mind.

But I love so much too. Maybe that’s the real problem. I love everyone and everything so much that I just expect more than they can offer. I set such high expectations that of course I am going to be let down. 

I guess I’m sad cos I crave this cycle to end, but I have no set date to expect it’s finish. 

I guess I’m sad cos I feel like I am the only one who feels sad like I do.

(But I’m really happy that I can at least finally know how it is I feel)