nothing can stop me from falling, it’s inevitable 

i’m not falling anymore, i’m healing.

i’ve been swallowing my words around you

the outcome isn’t pretty

and while my ever increasing bone structure attracts you

it repels me daily

in the mirror

but i’ll work on me

you work on you

we can meet somewhere in the middle

where we’ll finally be happy

i’m scared

don’t save me

i’m scarred

don’t blame me

nothing feels better than this

like a new pair of jeans

fits right

feels nice

like a bottle of diet ginger ale when my belly aches

fixes things

settles them

it’s the calm after this storm of a year i’ve been waiting for

feels so good that i’m in bright red hot shorts, bright blue velour track jacket, and a red and black lumber-jack hat — and i feel pretty

cleaning unpacking breathing

making sense of my fucked up world

everything’s going to be okay

and i’m sorry

always father hungry

words cannot describe

you have restored my hope in the united states

i love you 

obama biden 2008 

our presidential team

call me crazy, or just call me tomorrow

i’ve got a plan we can both get lost.

take my hand – come with me

you’ll see

my world is different. 

here, we get shooting stars not chocolate bars

it rains flower petals instead of tear drops.

nothing hurts, just new things learned 

on this never ending trail of laughter

your world is dark, and different is wrong

if i go there..ill be like an orange 

in a city of pears.

dont worry about me

i’ll swim in the sea with birds and fly with the fish

strategies for coping with perfectionism

just another term for crazy

for my brittle bones to hold

i surrender 

it’s what you gotta do

“You’ll be able to call me whenever you want, Kessa. You know why?”

“Because I don’t have to be sick to get attention?”

“Because you don’t have to be sick to get attention.”

I get this intolerable feeling in the center of chest, like I can feel it right there, my eating disorder. Sometimes I rock back and forth, back and forth, legs crossed, crying. Crying to get it out, wishing I could just reach in and make it go away. It’s horrible really and I wouldn’t wish it on a single soul. Any soul but my own, that is.

What has it been, six years now? One in attempt at recovery, and in that single year three relapses? I wonder what it’s going to take to shake this out of my system. And even as I stand, hunched over the toilet, purging again, I swear, I want to get better. 

It’s a cycle. A rotation of different symptoms that never ceases to give my body rest. I’m either not eating, not eating enough, eating just enough and purging, bingeing and purging, or the worst, just bingeing. 

The worst part is, I feel so alone. I know I’m not. I know other people struggle, I do, but I never can wrap my mind around that when I’m in it. When I’m in it, I’m alone. Just me and my eating disorder and I almost wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s taken so much from me and still, I cannot let it go. I’ve lost so much and still I am afraid to let it go. My eating disorder controls my every thought, my every move. Just tell me you understand, that you care, that you struggle too, and I think, I think I’ll feel a little better. Maybe so better that this time it’ll stick. That this time, when I try to recover, I’ll actually do it. 

There’s got to be more to life than this. 

“Hey, can I join?” 

We aren’t over because we have to be, we are over because I am throwing you full speed out of my life. I can no longer be stunted by you stigma, tricked by your high, or made a fool of because of your addictive ways. I will not listen to you and lie to the ones I love for your protection any longer. I loved you, you betrayed me. There are no words to express my dissatisfaction. 

you bring laughter and hope wherever you go

and assure me that everything will be just fine

you’ve become part of my backbone, my inspiration, and my courage. 

you dont ask, you sit and wait for the tears to answer

and when i dont tell, you see right through me

how did i end up so lucky to meet you, 

i hope you feel the same

my life gets slippery

and you reach out your hand

you never fail me. 

it was that summer of rest, where i met my best friends

and i carry you in my smile.