Filed under: Autumn | Tags: Amy, bulimia, eating disorder, hope, kessa, recovery, steven levenkron, the best little girl in the world
“You’ll be able to call me whenever you want, Kessa. You know why?”
“Because I don’t have to be sick to get attention?”
“Because you don’t have to be sick to get attention.”
I get this intolerable feeling in the center of chest, like I can feel it right there, my eating disorder. Sometimes I rock back and forth, back and forth, legs crossed, crying. Crying to get it out, wishing I could just reach in and make it go away. It’s horrible really and I wouldn’t wish it on a single soul. Any soul but my own, that is.
What has it been, six years now? One in attempt at recovery, and in that single year three relapses? I wonder what it’s going to take to shake this out of my system. And even as I stand, hunched over the toilet, purging again, I swear, I want to get better.
It’s a cycle. A rotation of different symptoms that never ceases to give my body rest. I’m either not eating, not eating enough, eating just enough and purging, bingeing and purging, or the worst, just bingeing.
The worst part is, I feel so alone. I know I’m not. I know other people struggle, I do, but I never can wrap my mind around that when I’m in it. When I’m in it, I’m alone. Just me and my eating disorder and I almost wouldn’t have it any other way.
It’s taken so much from me and still, I cannot let it go. I’ve lost so much and still I am afraid to let it go. My eating disorder controls my every thought, my every move. Just tell me you understand, that you care, that you struggle too, and I think, I think I’ll feel a little better. Maybe so better that this time it’ll stick. That this time, when I try to recover, I’ll actually do it.
There’s got to be more to life than this.
“Hey, can I join?”
STOP IT ED!
Dont open the refrigerator, you already looked in there. She didn’t buy anything new, the only food you want in there is left over dinner, you want ALL OF IT. You want to binge on it until your so full you can barley see straight and then stagger over to the bathroom toilet and purge until your completely numb. IM NOT LISTENING TO YOU TODAY ED. im working with Barbara again, the nutritionist you hate. Im trying really hard to follow her meal plan. I know we hate to follow it. i know it makes us think were fat. ED i dont want to break up with you yet, i still love you. i love all the time weve spent together. All the nights weve binged and purged. The many times weve gone for weeks without eating ..watching those numbers drop on the scale was like watching a sunrise after a brutal storm. But i have a nicer boyfriend EDward..and a family..and friends…and they dont like you ED. If I don’t start to separate myself from you…im going to have to go away again. the place where they made me the “F” word..you know that word…you call me the “F” word all the time. You did it to me last night after my shower. FUCK YOU ED! i did so well with my meal plan, and then you made me stand naked and circle in magic marker all the parts of my body you thought i should fix. your such a burden ED! i want to do so much with my life, and im just carrying you around on my back..waiting for you to tell me what to eat ..what to wear..when to go out..what to think of myself..IM SICK OF IT…
…i want to break up
its not me
its you ED
Filed under: Autumn | Tags: acceptance, Amy, anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder, friendships, fucked up, hate, LIFE, loss, love, mistakes, rant
I guess I’m sad out of jealousy. Jealousy that to me, it seems like everyone has a best friend, a lover, and a high school to remember, to look back on. I have nothing. I have been to four high schools in three years and I have nothing.
I look back on everything and I have done and I just want to beat myself up for it all. I want to be standing ‘cross from another me and just hit her as hard as I can, get her down on the ground and punch her face in. It was never that pretty anyway.
It’s my senior year, my fucking senior year, and I don’t even notice. I go to work, I never sleep, and my heart is always broken. I pity myself, I blame myself. I feel as if my mistakes are going to follow me forever and that no one really gets it.
My best friend lives forever away and she’s replaced me. I HAVE NO ONE. I don’t talk to a whole bunch of kids anymore just cos I don’t care enough. I crave human bonds, but everyone lets me down and I am so sick of being stepped on. I crave love and friendship, but fear them more.
I want college, I want new. I hate my now. I hate this town. I hate these stupid, ignorant people in their fancy cars with perfect lives. But mostly, I hate myself for letting this all happen. I hate that I can’t trust, that I can’t love. I hate that I got sick years ago and became this closed off to the real world. I hate that I always run away from everything instead of trying to stick around to see if things improve.
But mostly, I hate hate hate my eating disorder. I hate how I feel that it’ll never be totally out of my life. I hate that I have these horrible days where I can’t get out of bed because I’m “too fat’. I hate that I can’t just EAT, JUST EAT, eat whatever I want, whenever I want without having to be concerned about how much my stomach will grow. I hate how it feels like nobody gets it. Like nobody understands that I am always going to be sick in some way, and that one bad day does not equal a relapse.
I need a good cry and a good friend and a stable life. I want to find that in the people I already love, but I just don’t know how to trust anyone anymore and I feel so broken because of it.
Sometimes I get so angry at my situation that I want to scream as loud as I can and run forever until I reach a place that looks tranquil enough that maybe it will actually settle my frantic mind.
But I love so much too. Maybe that’s the real problem. I love everyone and everything so much that I just expect more than they can offer. I set such high expectations that of course I am going to be let down.
I guess I’m sad cos I crave this cycle to end, but I have no set date to expect it’s finish.
I guess I’m sad cos I feel like I am the only one who feels sad like I do.
