As I stepped out of my tin-wagon of a car, I lit a Marlboro. Before I began making my way to your front door, I took one long drag, let the tobacco settle in my lungs and cut of my breathing. It’s funny how we sometimes use cigarettes as an aid to breathe when really they do nothing but hinder the cycle. Either way, I let the smoke swell up in my lungs until my body forced it out into one big cloud surrounding my sad attempt at a hair-do. Lately, I’ve been quite the hair-don’t. I don’t mind, it’s not like I have to impress you tonight. I walk up the stone path to your house and you meet me at your front steps with a kiss as you take my cigarette. You take one drag and throw it on the ground. I hate it when you do that. It’s never even half-way done and you just waste it. Cigarettes aren’t cheap these days and the least you could do is give it back to me once more so I can taste it.
In a way you do when you pull me in for one of those long kisses before we go inside. Sometimes we don’t even make it to your bedroom. We just fall into the hard surface of your futon and have a note-worthy, passionate experience right there. I prefer your bed though, it’s softer, like your skin right after you shave. God, I love to kiss those cheeks. It must be eleven now and we’ve already made love three times, I got to your place at eight. We don’t waste anytime. “I have to go”, I say, so you walk me to my car and underneath the moonlit sky, you pull me in for one last kiss and mutter the three words I have been waiting to hear all my life, “I love you.”
Yeah, I love you back.
Filed under: Autumn | Tags: acceptance, Amy, anorexia, bulimia, eating disorder, friendships, fucked up, hate, LIFE, loss, love, mistakes, rant
I guess I’m sad out of jealousy. Jealousy that to me, it seems like everyone has a best friend, a lover, and a high school to remember, to look back on. I have nothing. I have been to four high schools in three years and I have nothing.
I look back on everything and I have done and I just want to beat myself up for it all. I want to be standing ‘cross from another me and just hit her as hard as I can, get her down on the ground and punch her face in. It was never that pretty anyway.
It’s my senior year, my fucking senior year, and I don’t even notice. I go to work, I never sleep, and my heart is always broken. I pity myself, I blame myself. I feel as if my mistakes are going to follow me forever and that no one really gets it.
My best friend lives forever away and she’s replaced me. I HAVE NO ONE. I don’t talk to a whole bunch of kids anymore just cos I don’t care enough. I crave human bonds, but everyone lets me down and I am so sick of being stepped on. I crave love and friendship, but fear them more.
I want college, I want new. I hate my now. I hate this town. I hate these stupid, ignorant people in their fancy cars with perfect lives. But mostly, I hate myself for letting this all happen. I hate that I can’t trust, that I can’t love. I hate that I got sick years ago and became this closed off to the real world. I hate that I always run away from everything instead of trying to stick around to see if things improve.
But mostly, I hate hate hate my eating disorder. I hate how I feel that it’ll never be totally out of my life. I hate that I have these horrible days where I can’t get out of bed because I’m “too fat’. I hate that I can’t just EAT, JUST EAT, eat whatever I want, whenever I want without having to be concerned about how much my stomach will grow. I hate how it feels like nobody gets it. Like nobody understands that I am always going to be sick in some way, and that one bad day does not equal a relapse.
I need a good cry and a good friend and a stable life. I want to find that in the people I already love, but I just don’t know how to trust anyone anymore and I feel so broken because of it.
Sometimes I get so angry at my situation that I want to scream as loud as I can and run forever until I reach a place that looks tranquil enough that maybe it will actually settle my frantic mind.
But I love so much too. Maybe that’s the real problem. I love everyone and everything so much that I just expect more than they can offer. I set such high expectations that of course I am going to be let down.
I guess I’m sad cos I crave this cycle to end, but I have no set date to expect it’s finish.
I guess I’m sad cos I feel like I am the only one who feels sad like I do.
(But I’m really happy that I can at least finally know how it is I feel)
All of you. both of us.
breathe in. bite my ear
I cant be gentle anymore. Please take me. I want all of you.
I can feel the inside of my thighs tremble with anticipation. Come closer. CLOSER.
thats it.
i could ….die here…. in a goose bump infested embrace with you.
Touch me.
I’ll touch you.
We have all the time in the world. No one can hear you, SCREAM.
tell me what you like.
stop teasing me. RIP MY CLOTHES.
Grind.
Scratch. my toes curl
SCREAM.
pleasure. bliss. grip the sheets.
i love it when you get me off
. 
