call me crazy, or just call me tomorrow
i’ve got a plan we can both get lost.
take my hand – come with me
you’ll see
my world is different.
here, we get shooting stars not chocolate bars
it rains flower petals instead of tear drops.
nothing hurts, just new things learned
on this never ending trail of laughter
your world is dark, and different is wrong
if i go there..ill be like an orange
in a city of pears.
dont worry about me
i’ll swim in the sea with birds and fly with the fish
Filed under: Autumn | Tags: friendship, kari, recovery, renfrew, sammi d, sheryl, smiles
you bring laughter and hope wherever you go
and assure me that everything will be just fine
you’ve become part of my backbone, my inspiration, and my courage.
you dont ask, you sit and wait for the tears to answer
and when i dont tell, you see right through me
how did i end up so lucky to meet you,
i hope you feel the same
my life gets slippery
and you reach out your hand
you never fail me.
it was that summer of rest, where i met my best friends
and i carry you in my smile.
Filed under: Autumn | Tags: fights with boyfriend, gambling, money, Sex, sheryl
the sound of your voice is like nails on a chalkboard
i anticipate talking to you
you never encourage me, or give me any hope
to you….
im just a worthless addict, with an eating disorder
you think your so funny
lets talk about something funny.
im the best things thats ever happened to you
if you didnt have me
you wouldnt have ANY sex stories to share with your AWESOME new college friends
so call me superficial
make me feel small.
ill crawl under you and watch as you mock my disease
i want you back
your not the person i fell in love with.
he was swept away in poker chips and gambling pools.
I Bet. I Love you.
STOP IT ED!
Dont open the refrigerator, you already looked in there. She didn’t buy anything new, the only food you want in there is left over dinner, you want ALL OF IT. You want to binge on it until your so full you can barley see straight and then stagger over to the bathroom toilet and purge until your completely numb. IM NOT LISTENING TO YOU TODAY ED. im working with Barbara again, the nutritionist you hate. Im trying really hard to follow her meal plan. I know we hate to follow it. i know it makes us think were fat. ED i dont want to break up with you yet, i still love you. i love all the time weve spent together. All the nights weve binged and purged. The many times weve gone for weeks without eating ..watching those numbers drop on the scale was like watching a sunrise after a brutal storm. But i have a nicer boyfriend EDward..and a family..and friends…and they dont like you ED. If I don’t start to separate myself from you…im going to have to go away again. the place where they made me the “F” word..you know that word…you call me the “F” word all the time. You did it to me last night after my shower. FUCK YOU ED! i did so well with my meal plan, and then you made me stand naked and circle in magic marker all the parts of my body you thought i should fix. your such a burden ED! i want to do so much with my life, and im just carrying you around on my back..waiting for you to tell me what to eat ..what to wear..when to go out..what to think of myself..IM SICK OF IT…
…i want to break up
its not me
its you ED
Filed under: Autumn | Tags: annoyed, be yourself, ignorant people, sheryl, want to stop blogging
emotions are a difficult thing to recognize.
but its great when you can actually notice them.
ive been taught that in therapy. yes THERAPY
i believe lots of people should have it.
therapy doesnt mean your crazy
it just helps you sort out your feelings and make sense of them
its good to WRITE them down
writing teaches you a lot about yourself.
your inner most thoughts arent necessarily your daily actions.
their just thoughts…on paper.
think of a thought like a passing cloud.
you dont ever have to hold onto it.
once you voice it. or talk about it..or journal about it
your set free from it..
when you leave it inside
that is when you need to “seek help”
so thanks for your concern.
im just fine.
are you ?
set yourself free.
numb.
not a tear left to shed.
no emotions. no feelings. no hope.
you could die, and i don’t think id be effected.
not because i don’t love you
because i cant love anything.
i dont love myself.
i cant breathe anymore.
just numb.
no racing thoughts.
mind still.
medicate me.
make me feel.
ill sit in a leather chair and talk to a prescription pad.
somethings gotta give.
someone reach in.
help me get out.
im such a sad sad girl.
i hate drinking. but i get drunk ALL the time. i hate the taste i hate the smell. i may even hate being drunk. somewhere between blackouts, getting sick, and hangovers..you have to draw the line. when does this all stop? when is enough enough ? welp, that i cant answer. because i cant ever get enough. i drink until im sick. i dont mind getting sick because it gets rid of the empty calories of drinking..but when you throw up in your friends purse on the highway…thats a red flag. my drinking career has a lot of instances like that. Blacking out ..alcohol poisoning..random sex..being carried..cuts..scrapes..
Weirdly enough there is something so appealing about getting myself that intoxicated and then waking up to see the damage it left on my flesh. It makes it more real, a bit more satisfying. sick, i know. part of me wants to wake up in the hospital after a long night of drinking, just so people have to take care of me, and i can catch a break. not for the attention, this might surprise a lot of you but i dislike all the attention i bring to myself. yet, it keeps happening. I want to live in a world with no facebook, and no cell phones. No makeup, no designer clothes. I say that, but im the first person to open my closet and hang up a new juicy zip up. i do things that i dont necessarily enjoy. but WHY…all of this thinking makes me want to sleep.
sleep so that my mind turns off. even then i would probably have nightmares.
drinking helps me stop thinking.
maybe ill have just one more.
it was months after I returned from florida.
if i was counting correctly almost a year.
days passed without thoughts of him..but as i drove by with my window down..someone caught my eye.
It was him. Standing at his red jeep. He waved and I waved back. My heart dropped. What could he want?
later that night. New text message. From..well who do u think…”hey ..we should catch up.”
I had just been through intensive therapy trying to forget all that ive put him through, all that weve put eachother through in the past, and now he has the NERVE to try and come back into my life..WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS? ” sure” , i responded without hesitation. One evening we went for a drive..in my car i believe ..too many issues and memories in that red jeep…i could barely handle being 5 feet away from him.. never mind his car again. I drove aimlessly. we sat awkwardly and he forced small talk out of his lips. I couldn’t decide if hearing his voice again made me cringe..or gave me comfort. I drove to the docks in my town where we had our first kiss ..”remember this”, i asked…as if he wouldnt remember. He jokingly pretended he had no idea what i was talking about. and I flirtatiously got angry at him. As if i cared. We sat in silence. The radio was on…and a song we had always listened to came on. The name of the song is slipping my mind at the present moment. GREAT, i thought to myself. we laughed awkwardly trying to ignore the sheer coincidence. I hated 99.9 … i felt his hand brush mine. i looked at him out of the corner of my right eye .. underneath my hair..trying not to make direct eye contact. ” i missed you ” he whispered. And then he leaned in..and we began to kiss. Everything went blank. Numb. tingled. i began to tremble. and then started to sob. Everything was so familiar . his lips..memories played in my head like an old movie… and i pulled away.
after that day …i talked to him once more…and then let him go from my life for good
some people just come and go..and are there for lessons learned …hes a person ill never forgot ..but let go of for the sake of both of our happiness
Filed under: Autumn | Tags: coke, drugs, heroin, pills, pot, sheryl, sober
hazy and lazy keep passing it around
laughter.
keep coughing..i hear you’ll feel high off the ground
this silly little plant never brought any harm
just friends, and smiles, and delicate charm
spinning around she falls into the field
” I need something with some substance ..something a little more real”
and thats when the poor little girl began to explore.
crush, and shoot, and smoke , and snort.
she winced as she drank poison from an elaborately decorated bottle
and withered away on a white road..to the size of a model
she crushed the rainbow colored circles and fell into a black hole to find she had no control.
her alarm clock went off.
it was just an awful dream
no turning back
must stay clean.
Filed under: Autumn | Tags: crazy kids, daddys little girl, freedom, laughter, sheryl
to be a child.
careless and free.
how I miss those innocent days.
daddy picked me up in his arms and spun me around
and we danced to brown eyed girl.
my laugh echoed through the night as we shared eskimo kisses and butterfly dreams.
those were days of beauty and joy,
what happened to daddy’s little girl?
